Instructions For Using the Psychobabbel Cards

And Why Everyone Should Speak Psychobabbel

 There are three main reasons discussions
between partners go off the rails:

1. One or both people use the wrong tone of voice;

2. One or both people use angry or contemptuous body language;

 3. One or both people in the couple don’t know better words to use so the words they use cause more problems. 

             How to Use Psychobabbel Cards

            To start with, I recommend reading all the cards out loud together with your mate. Work on memorizing some of the sayings, especially those you think will be most helpful.

            Talk about which cards interest you, and which cards might be good to use in the various situations you get into with each other. One example is asking your mate for help with something. Lots of people either expect their spouse to know what they need or they might ask with contempt: Can you PLEASE carry your fair share (Even if these specific words aren’t used, the tone might say this). The cards you may choose for this situation might be: “Can I ask you a question?” Or, “I have a request.”

            With practice, you will find what works and what doesn’t work. The phrases I have included in this edition are phrases that have helped most of my clients. They are not foolproof however. Unlike a true foreign language that only has one right and one wrong way to say something, some words included here may work for you and some may not. I highly recommend that you experiment and find what works for you and, if something doesn’t work for you, obviously don’t use it.

I welcome and encourage your feedback. What worked for you? What didn’t? And why?

I wanted to incorporate a lesson about words and phrases to stay away from. Most of these you probably already know (but how often do you use them?). Here goes:

   Always & Never

   (anything definitive will cause problems)

Everyone, Anyone or No one. (ditto)

“Really?” Or “Duh!” These are sarcastic put downs.

Stay away from superlatives or extreme descriptions

like “the worst” or “you’re going ballistic!”

And the following phrases that come from your critic and put the other person on the defensive: 

We all feel ___________________________________.

Why don't you _________________________________?

You are such a  _______________________________________.

You are so ______________________________________.

You should (or shouldn’t)___________________________________.

I’m disappointed* that ______________________________________.

Why can't you ___________________________________________.

Even ______________________________________ feels this way.

I can’t believe you!

*”Disappointed” is an especially triggering word because it is said from a critical parent self in the speaker to a child self in the recipient.

Invitations vs. Accusations

            You’ll notice that many of the cards are in question format. This is not a mistake.
Questions tend to be more inviting and, therefore, less likely to put whomever you’re talking
to on the defensive. Questions often draw people toward you whereas statements can push people away.

            Obviously, much of how things land depends on tone of voice, facial expression, etc., but asking
permission to approach or interrupt always feels more respectful than barging in and
demanding attention. Questions work. Especially when you pause and wait for an answer before proceeding.

Each card has a short explanation for how to use it and in what
situations each phrase might work best

Bonus Tips 

            Don’t wait until you are so angry, sad or scared to express your emotions and use your Psychobabbel cards.
When you feel yourself getting more upset, tell your mate, “I’m starting to get angry about a pattern I’m seeing.”
Or, “I can feel my fear coming to the surface.”

            If you wait until you are in a full blown, intense emotion, you are much less likely to be in control and you may
end up saying things you regret and/or hurting the people you love.
What I find most ironic is that most people don’t want
to speak up initially because they don’t want to hurt their partner or friend or coworker.

            Research has shown over and over that it is conflict avoidant people who are much more likely to experience break ups or have less fulfilling friendships.  By speaking Psychobabbel you are on your way to having much better communication
and having more effective tools in your toolbox. Marriage is hard and humans are fallible. Lots of people feel let down.

As far as the word choice goes, keep in mind that it always feels mechanical or phony
when using new tool or behavior, so expect that it will not feel natural at first to use unfamiliar terms.

Few of us are taught how to have a “good” disagreement or how to use words that will maximize our “hear-ability.”  In fact, most of us, when we disagree, use many of the same words and concepts we used as kids.

            One of the most effective tools I have used in working with couples is changing the language that they use—not changing what they want or need, rather how they express their needs and wants. It’s the “how” not the “what” that causes the problems for most people.

            More than anything, word choice, tone of voice and non-verbal communication are what put most couples at odds with each other.

Hear What I’m Not Saying

            Have you ever thought, “I do the bulk of the work
around here,” or, “Why am I the only one earning
a decent income?”

            Even if we don’t use the words, “It’s not fair!”
that is the driving force behind these sentiments.
Most of us have literally been saying this, and viewing
the world through this lens, our entire lives. We never outgrow a need for justice or our
need to be acknowledged by loved ones. It’s just part of the human experience.

How Psychobabbel Came To Be

            Believe it or not, we gain most of our tools for living by the time we are between 5-years-old and 7-years-old. Unless we take a class or have the good fortune of being taught new tools at some point along the way, we will keep using the same childish tools. This isn’t our fault, but it is our responsibility to make it right. When you know better, you do better (Maya Angelou).

            Learning the right words to use for effective, adult communication is not unlike learning a foreign language. For years, I’ve written down—and had clients write down—words and catchphrases for my couples and I’ve instructed them to put these around their house as a reminder so that when their emotions are heated, they have the words at their finger tips. Literally.

            Then one day it struck me: Learning these phrases in this way was just like learning a new language. I realized I was teaching clients to speak this language and then I thought, I could create cards not only for my clients but for anyone looking to improve their communication style with their significant other.

            Couples everywhere can use cue cards and prompters to communicate better with their mate (by the way, these phrases can help you at work, with friends, extended family and neighbors as well). 

More recently, it dawned on me that, since most of us carry our phones around with us everywhere, it made sense to convert the Psychobabbel cards into an app. Users can now download the app at App Store and have the right words with them any time they need them. Buy one or both to further reinforce more hearable communication habits.

Work & Play

            Not only are these cards useful, my greatest hope is that people will have fun with them. Humor is a huge tension reliever so if these cards can teach new skills and bring levity too, all the better.

            Some couples will be able to use these cards without outside help but if you can’t, by all means, ask a friend, clergy, or relationship coach for help. You can even bring these cards to your therapist’s office and have him or her help you get them going.

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